Love Self Help: Suspicious Minds

Written by Dr. Marty Klein

Elvis had it right, "We can't go on together with suspicious minds".  Read on to learn how jealousy can undermine your relationship.

Jealousy is that sickening feeling that we may lose something we care about, and that there's nothing we can do about it.

While occasional mild jealousy is part of loving, frequent or dramatic jealousy can make a relationship miserable and even destroy it.

Jealousy itself is not a sign of love.
Instead of attacking when you feel jealous, ask for comfort.
If you feel that all women or all men can't be trusted, you are deeply wounded and need help.

Watch This Video Best selling author, Debbie Ford, discusses loving yourself including the angry self, the brilliant self and everything in between.

What are the best ways of handling jealousy?

Get the facts before you get upset. From soap operas to Shakespeare, we all know stories about minor misunderstandings or misperceptions that led to disaster. Was she kissing him? Was that your ex in the car?

And remember, it can be extremely hard to prove actual innocence. Suspicion can make almost anything look, well, suspicious.

A second important question is, what is the relationship contract? If slow dancing or phone sex is clearly out of bounds, by all means bust a partner who's been doing them.

If you've never discussed such things, or haven't been able to agree on a policy about them, you can fret, but you have no right to be accusatory.

Jealousy indicates that someone feels threatened. The threat may be realistic (she's accepted an expensive gift), or unrealistic (he can have lunch with a friend, right?).

Put another way, the threat may come from your partner's behavior, or from your own insecurity. Since it's embarrassing to feel insecure, many people prefer to yell and accuse rather than quietly admit how they feel. Discussing jealousy compassionately can bring two people closer together, resolving any misunderstanding in the process.

Avoid extreme jealous behavior. If your partner keeps doing things that drive you crazy, find out why and respond accordingly. While you don't want to control your partner, you do want someone who acknowledges the one or two things you're especially sensitive about.

Similarly, someone who insists that blowing up is in his or her nature ("I'm a hot-blooded Italian") is saying you can expect the jealous behavior to continue.

Love yourself enough to get into a calm and loving relationship.

Marty Klein, Ph.D., is a licensed & family marriage counselor and sex therapist with over 24 years experience. He has published over 100 articles in magazines such as Playboy, New Woman, and Parents.You can read more about his books, tapes and appearances on his Web site,

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